Image by judge_mental
Once upon a time there was a fairy tale city called Lincoln.
Or fairly stale. Anyway...
In it lived an old miller, named Derek, and his wife. Eventually they gave birth to a City Council Chief Executive and Town Clerk, which they named Rumpolestiltskin because of its ridiculous judicial wig.
"What are we going to do with it?" asked the Derek the Miller.
Nobody knew. After visiting a PR consultant they had a bright idea. He went to the Leader of the Council and explained how the child could spin local government performance statistics into gold.
Impressed, the Leader of the Council locked Rumpolestiltskin in an ivory tower with a sufficient supply of statistics to spin into gold. It was so high his head was in the clouds.
"See you in the morning," he said as he left. "Unfortunately you will have to make with the carats or you may be transferred to Scunthorpe."
Rumpolestiltskin was in despair. The Council wasn't really very good, and the statistics were worthless. The more he tried to spin them into gold, the less the Council seemed to actually do, the more everything seemed to cost, and the longer it took.
During the night, however, a troll out for a stroll near the tower heard Rumpolestiltskin weeping, and went to see what was the matter.
The prisoner in the tower explained. "I'm having trouble meeting the Best Value Performance Plan."
"Don't sweat," came the reply. "We'll cook something up." But in return, you must promise to stay in the tower and receive a massive salary.
Rumpolestiltkin readily agreed, and let down his wig to the ground.
Up climbed the troll and together they devised a method of eliminating extreme values using quartiles and abandoning measurements which produced results unfavourable to Lincoln's position in the league tables.
Finally the troll adjusted the method by which gold was valued, so that in the morning the Council's performance, although apparently unchanged, looked to everybody in the crowd like the shiniest gold.
One little boy saw through the statistics, and shouted out: "Rumpolestiltskin's had a troll in his tower."
The Mayor went over and gave him a slap.
"Nobody sullies the integrity of the Chief Executive and gets away with it!" he hollered at the kid. "This is not true. You have no proof. If there's been a troll, what's its name?"
"Prescott," replied the boy.
This mention of the Deputy Prime Minister was not good. Everyone knew he had egg on his face and was even more inarticulate and out of his depth in government than King Dubya of Alomo.
The crowd was waking up. The Leader of the Council stood on a box to reassure them.
"Everything's been done according to the regulations," he began in a bland, reasonable sounding tone.
Well, after listening to Commander Metcalfe for a few seconds people were already feeling woozy. "My occult friends will take care of you," he concluded.
Out jumped a wizard and administered a magic potion to the crowd.
After being fluoridated for a few years, 7 out of 8 of them, including the courtiers at the Housing Benefits and Council Tax departments, could not answer this sum correctly:
1 plus 2 times 3 equals ?
As a result of various pricks, they all went to sleep for a hundred years.
And that is a true story.
To the poemliving proof hair
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